Tomorrow

Do you ever feel like right when you get a good handle on life something else gets thrown in and suddenly life is too much to handle?  Today, that something was my two-year old son. 

I birthed a baby a little over a month ago.  Life has been great, except that I feel like I can’t do anything.  Baby girl weighed 8 lbs 10 oz.  As I was discharging from the hospital, I was told I couldn’t lift anything heavier than what my baby weighed.  With my first baby, it was fine.  I only had one child.  With my second, it was a little harder but my oldest was and is a great kid.  With this, my third child, it has proved harder than expected.  Schedules have to be juggled, friends are asked for favors, and we are usually stuck at home because I can’t lift the baby in her car seat.  It has been a long five weeks. 

Today, I took my two oldest with me to church and left the baby at home with my husband.  Before we even left the driveway my middle child, the 2 year old, was crying about something.  He is very hard to understand verbally.  I have no idea what he was trying to say.  We drove to church, he had calmed down somewhat, but as soon as we got out of the car he was crying, trying to get back into the car.  I dragged him most of the way to the church door because I am not supposed to lift him.  No one offered to help but I didn’t ask anyone either.  We finally made it inside, and he was still crying.  I dragged him to the bathroom.  We each said a prayer, but to no use.  He still cried and tried to go back outside, so I dragged him to the foyer.  It was awful.  I was embarrassed, and felt like a terrible mother.  But I am physically unable to lift him.  If I want my body to heal, I need to follow the doctor’s orders. 

By this point, my oldest who is five started crying as well.  And I said to him, “What do you want me to do?  Take him home so he doesn’t learn anything?”  I knew that church is where we needed to be.  I love going to church and feeling the love that my Father and His Son have for me.  I love visiting with fellow church members and the encouragement I get from them.  He finally calmed down, and we stayed in the foyer for the rest of the meeting. 

But all afternoon I have felt depressed and miserable.  Yes, I am in charge of how I feel.  Yes, I needed to be in church.    But suddenly life was too much to handle.  I couldn’t handle two children after not going to church for a few weeks, so how was I going to handle three?  I still don’t know all of the answers.  But as I’ve been avoiding my family, moping, and feeling terrible, I’ve realized that I’m still learning how to handle things, just as my two year old is.  I know he feels left out and a little misplaced, and I am trying so very hard to make him feel loved and needed.  But who is there for me when I am feeling unloved and misplaced?  Motherhood is the hardest job in the world-harder than the president of the United States, in my opinion.  In a perfect fairy tale world, I would say my husband is there for me.  But let’s face it-life isn’t a movie.  Men don’t know how it feels to be a mom.  My husband doesn’t know how much I do every day for him and our children.  He doesn’t know how I struggle every day.  Motherhood is a thankless job, but I keep doing it. 

So who is there for me?  My Father in Heaven.  He knows my potential.  He knows how hard I am trying.  He knows my limits and capabilities.  He knows where I came from, who I am, and where I am going.  I have a map on how to get there, but He controls the hills, mountains, and valleys.  Right now, maybe I am climbing a mountain, but when I get there I know the view will be worth it.  So, here is to tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will get up and try again.  I will try again to help my two year old adjust to being the middle child instead of the baby.  I will try again every Sunday, until my children learn how important church is to me.  I will try again to be a better mom until the day that I die.  But for now, I will just focus on tomorrow. 

Non-Fiction

I have a confession: I don’t really like to read fiction anymore.  My life is too real to read anything that isn't.  When I would read fiction, it was usually a let down at the end because there is no Hogwarts, or prince charming, or dragon to battle.  My escape ended.  I was back where I was: the real world.  I recently read Tina Fey’s Bossy Pants and now Michael J. Fox’s Always Looking Up.  These books have been insightful into a celebrity’s world.  These people who are idolized and idealized are just that, people.  Not only that, but people with struggles.  Tina Fey struggles as a working mom and Michael J. Fox struggles with Parkinson’s Disease, an  incurable disease, as of right now.

These books have enlightened me and inspired me.  I want to help Parkinson’s.  I want to help other Disease Research Foundations.  I want to write.  If someone such as Tina Fey or Michael J. Fox, who aren't well known for their written works, can write a book than so can I. Granted, they still have many connections through wealth and hard work; however, that doesn't deter me.  I have been feeling this way for about a year but I still toss ideas around and don’t know if I can really fill a whole book with ME.  So, this new blog is my start.  My ideas that I want to put out to the world and see what comes back. I may write book reviews, or musings such as this, but whatever it is, I hope to gain more confidence in myself as a writer and future author.