Do you ever feel like right when you get a good handle on life something else gets thrown in and suddenly life is too much to handle? Today, that something was my two-year old son.
I birthed a baby a little over a month ago. Life has been great, except that I feel like I can’t do anything. Baby girl weighed 8 lbs 10 oz. As I was discharging from the hospital, I was told I couldn’t lift anything heavier than what my baby weighed. With my first baby, it was fine. I only had one child. With my second, it was a little harder but my oldest was and is a great kid. With this, my third child, it has proved harder than expected. Schedules have to be juggled, friends are asked for favors, and we are usually stuck at home because I can’t lift the baby in her car seat. It has been a long five weeks.
Today, I took my two oldest with me to church and left the baby at home with my husband. Before we even left the driveway my middle child, the 2 year old, was crying about something. He is very hard to understand verbally. I have no idea what he was trying to say. We drove to church, he had calmed down somewhat, but as soon as we got out of the car he was crying, trying to get back into the car. I dragged him most of the way to the church door because I am not supposed to lift him. No one offered to help but I didn’t ask anyone either. We finally made it inside, and he was still crying. I dragged him to the bathroom. We each said a prayer, but to no use. He still cried and tried to go back outside, so I dragged him to the foyer. It was awful. I was embarrassed, and felt like a terrible mother. But I am physically unable to lift him. If I want my body to heal, I need to follow the doctor’s orders.
By this point, my oldest who is five started crying as well. And I said to him, “What do you want me to do? Take him home so he doesn’t learn anything?” I knew that church is where we needed to be. I love going to church and feeling the love that my Father and His Son have for me. I love visiting with fellow church members and the encouragement I get from them. He finally calmed down, and we stayed in the foyer for the rest of the meeting.
But all afternoon I have felt depressed and miserable. Yes, I am in charge of how I feel. Yes, I needed to be in church. But suddenly life was too much to handle. I couldn’t handle two children after not going to church for a few weeks, so how was I going to handle three? I still don’t know all of the answers. But as I’ve been avoiding my family, moping, and feeling terrible, I’ve realized that I’m still learning how to handle things, just as my two year old is. I know he feels left out and a little misplaced, and I am trying so very hard to make him feel loved and needed. But who is there for me when I am feeling unloved and misplaced? Motherhood is the hardest job in the world-harder than the president of the United States, in my opinion. In a perfect fairy tale world, I would say my husband is there for me. But let’s face it-life isn’t a movie. Men don’t know how it feels to be a mom. My husband doesn’t know how much I do every day for him and our children. He doesn’t know how I struggle every day. Motherhood is a thankless job, but I keep doing it.